Earlier this week, I got to spend the entire day with the lovely people in the band Real Friends. I didn’t realize how badly I needed that.
I’ve had a rough time lately.
I’ve been stuck in a purgatory of where I am and where I want to be, which can be exhausting. It’s been a battle not to be sad a lot of the time. I really dislike school and, for the first time in my life, despise going to class or studying. My job feels stagnant and negativity tends to breed there. People come in defeated before the day even begins and then find ways to complain as the clock ticks down the hours. Being a full time grad student and a full time employee takes all my time. This causes the vast majority of hours to be spent at places I don’t enjoy.
This may seem like I am whining or complaining. I’m not.
I’m just trying to explain to you where my state of mind is at.
I want to create things for a living. Make film. Act. Write.
I want to put stuff out into the world that means something to someone.
This causes grad school to feel like a waste of time. I’d be much happier tending bar somewhere while pursuing my desire to create stories for others to enjoy. However, getting this Masters is important to everyone around me.
When I was spending time with the guys in Real Friends, Dave (one of the guys in the band) was telling me how cool he thought it was that I was going to have my Master’s degree at the end of the year. I didn’t really understand this. I didn’t get how someone who tours the world and plays music to packed venues every night could say that the life I’m apathetic towards is cool. His reasoning had to do with the fact that I’m only 23 and will be able to contribute to society and have the tools to be a responsible adult. This moment, along with watching that group of guys play a set of music to an ocean of kids screaming their words at them, made me realize that I need to spend my life doing something that makes me happy. I can’t live the way this past year has been for much longer.
It’s been a hard year.
It’s been a lonely year.
I’ve been distant from everything around me.
I’ve been sad more than I haven’t.
Anxiety has crept up on occasion.
Sleep deprivation has been a daily battle.
No one in undergrad ever prepared you for what to do when you move away from everyone who made life comfortable. Or what to do when those people stop calling to see if you’re okay.
The only reason I’m even posting this on this website is to let you know I’m going to be okay. Eventually. And if you’ve been feeling the same way, you will too. I don’t really know anyone on this website. And the people I do know either already know this stuff about me or don’t really care all that much. Therefore, I feel pretty safe letting you know how I’m doing.
On the new Real Friends record, there is a line that says “I need the hope I always tell my friends about.” It’s been a long time since a line in a song resonated on the level that this line did with me. I write so many poems about being hope and being love. It’s about time I started to listen to the words I write. When grad school ends this year I’m going to take a year off and find my happiness.
It’s been said that the best way to get over a girl is to turn her into literature. By turning all those feelings into art, it’s easy to move on and not look back. It’s easy to be happy. That’s exactly what I’m going to do with this past year. I’m going to take it, funnel it into some form of creativity and remind myself how to smile.